JISHOU, HUNAN — I figure if Andy Schlafly, the perpetrator of Conservapedia’s Conservative Bible Project, can rewrite the King James Bible, so can I. Here’s my rendition of Mark, Chapter 1. (Please observe my copyright. Thank you.)
THE GOSPEL OF MARK (draft #1,216,593A)
1. This is the beginning of the gospel of Jesus, as written by Mark, who believes Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God.
2. The prophets wrote, “Behold, I will send my messenger to scope things out for you, to lay the groundwork, as it were.
3. “Someone will be crying in the wilderness, ‘Make way for the Lord, because he’s coming through! (No autographs, please!)'”
4. John the Baptist got his name because he dunked people in the river, saying baptism signified repentence for one’s sins.
5. He had quite a following all over Judea, and even among city folk from Jerusalem, who all came to be dunked in the Jordan River and to confess their sins.
6. John was a back-to-lander kind of fellow, dressing in clothes made of camel’s hair and wearing a leather loincloth; he also ate only locusts and wild honey.
7. He was overly humble, too. He said, “Somebody is coming who is so much better than I that I am not even worthy to untie his shoes.
8. “I have only baptized you with water, but he will baptize you with the Spirit of God!” (John failed to mention the new guy was his cousin, so he might have been a little biased.)
9. And so, after a while, Jesus came from Nazareth in Galilee, and let John dunk him in the Jordan. Jesus, however, had no sins to confess (being the Son of God and all), but something a lot more interesting happened.
10. As soon as he came up out of the water, Jesus saw the heavens open up and the Spirit of God like a dove made a beeline for his head,
11. And a voice from above said, “You are my beloved Son, whom I am really pleased with.” (It is not clear, however, whether anyone else saw or heard the same things.)
12. Then Jesus took off for the wilderness.
13. He lived in the bush for 40 days, tempted by the Devil, hanging with the wild beasts like Mowgli in the Jungle Books; but the angels took care of him. (Jesus being God’s Son and all)
14. Sometime afterward, John ended up in the slammer for not having a water use permit, or something. Meanwhile, Jesus came back to Galilee, preaching about the kingdom of God and forgetting to post bail for his cousin.
15. Jesus said, “The time the prophets talked about has come, the kingdom of God is right around the corner. Repent, and believe what I tell you.”
16. One day, while walking by the sea of Galilee, Jesus came across Simon and his brother, Andrew, who had made their names sound very Anglo to avoid being deported. They were casting nets into the sea, because oddly, they were fishermen.
17. Jesus told them, “Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.” (Jesus always had a way with words, being the Word of God and all.)
18. Without hesitation, they dropped their nets, and followed him.
19. A little bit further, he saw James, the son of Zebedee, and his brother, John, who were mending their nets.
20. So Jesus called to them, and they ditched the family business, and left their dad to fish with his servants instead.
21. The five of them went to Capernaum, where Jesus dropped by the synagogue to teach.
22. The people there were astonished, because Jesus taught like he really knew what he was talking about, and not like a graduate of Google University.
23. The congregation there included a troubled fellow, looking a lot like Glenn Beck, who cried out,
24 “Leave us alone! What do we have to do with you, Jesus of Nazareth? Where’s your birth certificate anyway? How do we know you’re really Galilean? You have come to destroy us! I know who you are, you so-called Holy One of God!”
25. Jesus told him off, saying, “Shut up, and leave him!”
26. The troubled fellow cried out with a loud voice, and the schizoid part of him left
27. And the people were all amazed, saying stuff like, “What is this thing? A new doctrine: ‘Yes, we can?’ This Jesus dude can even cure schizophrenia!”
28. Before long, everyone was talking about Jesus, even outside Galilee.
29. After leaving the synagogue, the boys were hungry, so they went to Simon and Andrew’s house
30. But Simon’s mother-in-law was sick in bed with a fever, so they mentioned it to Jesus.
31. And he took her hand, and lifted her up from her bed. She got better immediately, and then set about fixing them lunch. (It is not clear where Simon’s wife was during all this, however.)
32. By sunset, everyone who was sick or mentally disturbed was brought to Simon’s house,
33. The entire city was gathered outside his door. It got pretty noisy.
34. Despite their pre-existing conditions, Jesus healed many who were sick, and cured the mentally ill, and told the wackos not to speak, because they knew what he was — a public option.
35. Jesus got up really early next morning, and left for a solitary place to get some peace and quiet.
36. His four new buddies followed him there. It wasn’t solitary any more.
37. When they found him, they said, “Everybody’s looking for you.”
38. Exasperated, he replied, “Let’s visit some other towns, so I can preach there, too. Otherwise, I’ll never get out of this place.”
39. So, he taught at a lot of other synagogues around Galilee, and healed the sick and cured the schizos.
40. A leper came to him one day, and knelt down in front of him, saying “If you choose, can you heal me? I paid all my premiums.”
41. Moved with compassion (being the Son of God and all), Jesus stretched out his hand to touch the leper, and said, “You will be clean.”
42. And as soon as he was finished speaking, the man’s leprosy was cured.
43. And Jesus, “OK. That’s all. You can leave now.
44. “And please don’t tell anyone about this, or I’ll never have a moment alone. Go to your rabbi, show him your healed skin, and make some appropriate sacrifices, just like Moses told us to do, as a testimony for what happened.”
45. But the leper (who wasn’t a leper anymore, but we don’t know his name) left and blabbed about his cure all over town. So many people knew of the cure that Jesus could not walk the streets without being mobbed. So he gave up making housecalls, and set up a clinic in the suburbs for the people to visit.