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JISHOU, HUNAN — Eva Lorraine Molina, who is apparently a very proper, conservative lass at Amherst College, bewails the lack of ladylike behavior and offers in her essay suggestions on how to correct this critical shortage of ladylikeness.

Molina begins her piece, “Where Have All the Ladies Gone?” [long time passing …]

As our society abandons the conservative values that make women into ladies, women with grace and dignity have become an endangered species—especially on today’s college campuses. The kind of woman who inspired Tom Jones’ song “She’s a Lady” has become an antiquated figure from America’s past. Most popular songs about women today are more like “Youse a Ho” by Ludacris.

Right there, the wise and erudite Miss Molina had my attention, because clearly she has not done her homework very well. In fact, the song that Jones made a hit in 1971 is only a few degrees removed in social inappropriateness from Ludacris’ “Ho,” from 2000.

The gist of her article is that conservative girls shouldn’t act like liberal girls, that is, like “ho’s,” but instead more like the ladies of yore, who didn’t cuss, didn’t drink, didn’t try to be “one of the boys,” and especially didn’t sleep around.

Yeah, she’s in a fantasy land, but she’s Republican and still very young, so I’ll cut her some slack.

She also wasn’t alive in 1971, when Jones drove his female fans wild — they were very unladylike, even throwing their underwear and room keys on stage at him — by wearing tight low cut pants, a shirt unbuttoned to flaunt his broad chest, and enough hip movements to suggest some horizontal mambo moves.
Paul Anka, himself a very popular but tamer artist, wrote the song, which extols the special qualities of a special woman. I have provided translations from 1970s-speak where appropriate:

She’s A Lady
written by Paul Anka (1971)
sung suggestively by Tom Jones

Well she’s all you’d ever want,
she’s good in bed
She’s the kind they’d like to flaunt and take to dinner.
they wish they had her in bed, too

Well she always knows her place.
On top, or bottom, whatever

She’s got style, she’s got grace, She’s a winner.
She’s a Lady. Whoa whoa whoa, She’s a Lady.
Talkin’ about that little lady, and the lady is mine.

Well she’s never in the way
Always something nice to say, Oh what a blessing.
She’s submissive. Thank God

I can leave her on her own
Knowing she’s okay alone, and there’s no messing.
And well trained; she doesn’t pee on the floor — no wait, that’s the dog

Well she never asks for very much and I don’t refuse her.
Always treat her with respect, I never would abuse her.
What she’s got is hard to find, and I don’t want to lose her
Help me build a mountain from my little pile of clay. Hey, hey, hey.
She gets me going, in bed.

Well she knows what I’m about,
She can take what I dish out, and that’s not easy,
I’m good in bed

Well she knows me through and through,
She knows just what to do, and how to please me.
and so is she

She’s a lady. Whoa, whoa, whoa. She’s a lady.

Well, sure, I exaggerate a little here, but if you ever saw Jones perform the song, you would know which entendre of the double-entendre lyrics he was emphasizing. By the way, I have not reproduced all the lyrics, since I know how touchy the RIAA is about such things.

Had Molina paid attention to the lyrics, she might have understood that the song was about sexual submissiveness and availability, albeit of a monogamous kind (or so we assume), as well as “proper” behavior by a woman “possessed” by a man. If that’s the kind of behavior she wants to imitate, then she has opted into the Quiverfull movement at a tender age.

Contrast those lyrics to “Ho,” by Ludacris, which will not need as much translation:

You doing Ho activities
With Ho tendencies
you screw around
Hos are your friends, Hos are your enemies
With ho energy to do what you do
a lot
Blew what cha blew, screw what cha screw
in many ways
And why you think you take a Ho to a Ho-tel

Ho-tell everybody, even the mayor
I bet he’s had a few
Reach up in the sky for the Ho-zone layer
Now C’mon playa wants a Ho always
* see line 2, “She’s a Lady”, above

And Ho’s neva close, they open like hallways
So here’s the whole cake for your Ho Ho crew
And everybody wants some, cuz Ho’s gotta eat too
It’s just business, man

You can’t turn a Ho into a house wife
Hos don’t act right
They ain’t ladies, I guess

There’s Ho’s on a mission and there’s Ho’s on a crack pipe
Hey Ho, How you doin’ Where you been?
Probly doing Ho stuff Cuz there you Ho again
Habits are hard to break

Again, I’m trying to avoid lawsuits by not reprinting all the lyrics, but you get the idea. Ludacris’ song is about women who are not entirely submissive or monogamous, but they are still sexually available. He just doesn’t speak in double-entendres. His women sleep around. Jones’ and Anka’s lady services just one guy.

Now let’s swing on over to Molina’s advice for would-be ladies.

A lady does not tell dirty jokes along with men and she does not tolerate men telling dirty jokes in her presence. She does not swear, and she is not considered “one of the guys.” In spite of new fashion trends, a lady always dresses appropriately, leaving a lot to the imagination. When at a social gathering, a lady does not do things she will regret the next day. Above all, a lady is well-mannered, dignified, gracious, and kind.

Our society holds conservatives to a higher moral standard.

I nearly choked on that sentence. She must have missed the sexual escapades of some members of the GOP, like South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford’s clandestine trips to see his Argentine mistress — excuse me, his Argentine lady.

Molina continues:

I have heard many of my male peers place women into three categories: “the ones to mess around with, the ones to date, and the ones to marry.” Though this is a rather crude way of categorizing women, it shows that men do recognize and value the qualities that make a woman a lady. Ladies are the kind of women that men can take home to Mom and Dad and that most men want to marry. Being considered “marriage material” is an indicator that a woman is to be respected; most men who deem a woman as such treat her with the utmost respect. [They don’t abuse her, whoa, whoa , whoa …] For men, ladies are at the top of the female totem pole, and conservative women need to take pride in the fact that they are worthy of time, love, and commitment. [… like the conservative wife of Gov. Mark Sanford.]

I wonder where she hangs out, Amherst’s version of C Street? Molina needs to find a different crowd. As for the marrying a lady part, if men used the same criteria she offers to choose brides, the marriage rate in the USA would plummet faster than the economy tanked. “Ladies are at the top of the female totem pole,” I think, has a typo. I think she means “male totem pole.” (See “She’s a Lady,” line 3, above.) But I might be mistaken.

More words of wisdom:

It has become commonplace for young women’s Facebook profiles to be littered with pictures of themselves scantily clad in compromising situations, partying, inebriated, and even kissing other girls. [Links! I want links!] Party girls are a dime a dozen and these profiles damage reputations far more than they help them. A conservative woman should be conservative at all times, especially when the cameras are rolling.

“Party girls are a dime a dozen.” Can she possibly mean they are cheap ho’s? Surely not, because then she criticizes college women for using the words “slut,” “ho” and “cunt.” (There, I said it. Sue me.)

Lately, young women have taken to denigrating themselves and each other as “sluts” and “hos.” When women playfully call each other these things they make it okay for men to do it too. Much like the way Eve Ensler and her Vagina Monologues “reclaimed” the c-word, women on college campuses are reclaiming “slut.” I have seen many young women sporting “slut” backpack patches, and drinking from party cups with “slut” scribbled across the side. “Reclaiming” demeaning words does not empower women, and it certainly does not dilute their original meaning. With all of these self-proclaimed “sluts” on college campuses, conservative women should refrain from partaking in this trend and insist on calling themselves, and acting, like ladies.

I wonder if Molina talks the same way as she writes. Her future husband will probably end up in Argentina, too, just to rest his ears. I mean, what judgmental, prissy, holier-than-thou drivel! From the pen of a college student, who ought to be enjoying her four years of comparative freedom from parental supervision instead of being in loco parentis for her classmates.

Read the whole essay. I dare you to get through it without sniggering, swearing or slapping your forehead in bewilderment.